Happy Holidays!!!!! 

perceive what you want to perceive- Let your mind expand- Let creativity rule!!!! 

memories di st or tio n

it was a blur, a flash, sight of life, blue, grey, black, I  couldn't tell. then I wake up, see the moment of truth I feel captured, betrayed, but I am not sure why.  Honestly, I am hear for a reason, green puddles, rippling on the ground, slow motion I feel is my mind but my eyes are moving fast through time. I feel like I can see my future and then I bump into a tree with many leaves falling. redish brown, orange leaves.... falling from the sky and not the branches. Cold. Autumn, I believe so two park benches, one normal, one upside down, to my left green grass and rain falling. I extend my arm and I can feel the rain from my index fingertip, to my palm, which I open up and feel every drop, the rain feels like a shockwave of intensity through my body, splash, splash, splash my hand filling up with a little cup of water dripping from every crease and wrinkle. drops of rain on my wrist to forearm onto my bicep and to my shoulder. I pull my arm back over... falling leaves.... from the sky. My hair starts to fall out, my lips chapped, and my throat burning, I cannot speak nor breathe. To my knees,  I see white I think....blur. blur. blur... Hands to my side, jaw open, tongue out, I fall forward, slow motion, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, ouch!!!!eyes open right side of face smack!!! drip drop, drip drop, drip drop I think, do I recall? On my face neck down dry, eyes a blur, I think its white. yeah... white, blur?

Sound of the ocean now....waves through my ears, silence.... 

tears weigh more then one would think... they can destroy companies, they can build dreams, they can...
well.... tears what is it exactly, tears

something

Well... where do I begin? Blogging, noting, messaging, whatever this is called. I am trying to to take a step into another direction, not knowing which way I am headed. I think abstractly. I live in the past but pretend I am in the future, where does that leave me. Blogging, noting, messaging, whatever you want to call it.
Honestly, right now I am sipping my favorite drink in the whole wide world.....can you guess... only those who know me and don't know me might know, but probably none of you will guess. Because none of you really KNOW me. I think most of you won't even be reading this. You wanna know the drink?-Vodka rocks...my favorite, with a lime.
Blogging, noting, messaging what is it? Really... We tell about our lives, and how fuck up we are. OR not. usually it is all boring. Tell me, what is really interesting when someone is writing about themselves...nothing. I read through endless of amounts of notes on fb and they are all bull shit, no offense to anyone, but really do you have anything else to do? Blogging, noting, messaging.
I laugh, I cry, I moan, I beg, I smile most of the days I live. Backwards, forwards, past, present, I tend to try to break all the rules. Upside down I live, hanging myself from the ceiling seems appropriate, you're probably laughing because I am dead. Not really, but almost. Most people in this world live a dead life. I am dead most of the time I am alive. I fall to my knees and beg for forgiveness, but every time I get struck by lighting and fall asleep. Then, I wake up in the same spot where I was supposed to be born.... In a garbage dump. If I was born there, what would I be like? Do you ever think like that? What if I died tomorrow. Would anyone care. I can think of four people. Blooging, noting, messaging...what does it all mean.
I like to run at night with non running shoes. I like to eat lots of ice cream and throw it up in the morning. I like to shop for clothes all day long with a stolen credit card. I like to slash peoples tires of close relatives. I like to walk around with a hard on in my house with the blinds open hoping that someone will see. I like to jump off three story buildings hoping that I will break a leg. I like to act like an asshole to people I love. I like to.... what would you like to do? Blogging, noting, messaging.
20 years from now I hope I have accomplished nothing. I want to be a loser. I want to be incredible. Don't you wish you could be part of a video game?. Die 15 times and still comeback to life. I want to live life to the least. I want to be the best possible hot dog griller ever! I want to... good question.
Slow motion, Music Mania, talking fast, radiation, karate, toilet paper, scotch tape, the year 2000, arm, 2009 depression, 1950, balloons, black, white, peace, love, murder, hate,eyes, blindness, backwards, forwards, 9x3=, full moon, crescent, blind, shutter, heat, chill, help, please, stop, again, red, violet, green, orange, rain, monsoon, fan, cock block, plastic surgery, pause.... pause...pause... facebook, myspace, twitter and the list goes one....blogging, noting, messaging...
tell me what you think, Try to think...
(to be continued)

nonsense

I woke up this morning thinking you.
Blue, red, yellow, orange, and three times black. Thoughts tell me that this has no relevance but I was thinking of you. I was thinking about your red hair, blue eyes, slightly yellowed colored teeth, your favorite orange tube top you only wear when its exactly 85 degrees with low humidity of 22.7%
Then black, black, black.....

I realize that it has no relevance. Why does one think of you. The sky could turn blue, blood turn red, sun shine bright yellow, and an orange....well can look orange.... black, black, black, no relevance.

I have never met you yet I vison these things, I have never spoken to you on the phone or heard your voice but the slight description in my mind is the the thought that lingers ....

lost the thought.

thinking of you - means much more to me then probably you.... thinking of me- who? That's a good question, another story, another time, another life, wouldn't be in the future, would be in the past.  Thinking of you in the past, is that possible, I assume a a red corvette, blue high heels, yellow scarf, and ugly orange gucci shades that cover your whole face because you are too self conscious, but in the end people end up thinking that your bf beat the shit out of you because you wear them day and black, black, black...

Thinking of you makes me feel.....wait I don't feel, I haven't felt in black, black, black.
But I think... I think of you.

Ocean.... Cherries....Daisies....fire... darkness,...darkness....darkness...
Thinking of you makes no sense anymore, my life would be complete not thinking of you.
Thinking of you develops angry, swiftness through my heart, wind through my ears, decongestion in my nose, I see right through myself... I see no thoughts, I hear no cries, I smell no danger, I forget what I was thinking about... blue. red. yellow. orange....????
what comes next.....???
four walls, no windows, high ceilings, and each corner seems too far away, a distant memory, and idea, not a thought...darkness...darkness. darkness... If stopped now, could I start all over, if I began would the world even notice.. my thoughts have begun because you have existed. My world gravitates to new levels. Darkness?

My heart is black, black, black. Thinking of you, black, black, black. no relevance? All I see is.... bla..

I see..

Thinking of....

Darkness....


Your blue eyes, your red poofy extravagant dress, your yellow radiant hair, and that orange exquisite emblem that you wear every time.... Thinking....

?

Alone
what does it all mean. Alone. cold. warm. strange. Alone has more meaning then one might think. Alone could mean happiness, alone can mean greatness, alone can be that feeling when you are craving frozen vanilla yogurt with a mix of pistachio.
Just make sure its low fat and no  sugar added.  I can rarely see or remember any of my past. It seems all distant, a blur, nothing is constant in my life. I move from one word to the next, and thought to a fact. Alone.
Black light in the corner.
Britney Spears poster in the other.
Thai Buddha staring directly at me, fiercely.
I go to the mall to look around, maybe buy one or two things. I have no opinion but my own. I have no one else to tell me I look good in a yellow pinned stripped shirt, with exception of the 16 year old girl at the register, she says it looks good but I should get the blue one. I get the yellow one. I won't even wear it..why?- because.. alone.
Alone can make you feel warm at night, alone can make dreams come true, alone will satisfy your needs, alone will make you laugh, alone will not lie to you, alone will always be there for you.

..Alone